Photo by Nicholas Kusuma It’s ironic and cliché. When I was a child, smiling was never easy for me, a shy kid who needs to grin in front of many people because of status and position, I was just a kid, but I was not seen as ‘just a kid’. I was the grandson of a prominent person in the industry of education. A person whose environment is limited to faking perfections. Primary school was not easy as it may have seemed, my mentors had high expectations from me, I needed to be – not just good – but the best. The pressure was eating me alive. I was so excited to exit primary school and step on secondary education, I wanted to be a normal kid removing the spotlights shone on me, live a normal student life. And luckily, I had the opportunity to stay in obscurity – unknown, inconspicuous, unimportant. My mentors only knew me as a student, not at the top of the class, but a normal, undecided, insignificant, and team playing student. No one knew me and no one never needed to know me. It was a perfect environment for an ambivert like me. However, I never expected that things would turn around in a few blinks of an eye. I do not want to be in the limelight, that is not my stage, that is not where I belong, and that is not my home. I do not want people to believe in me, push me to become better, or even lead a team, I do not want to be seen or heard. I have issues with spotlights, I have personal concerns with attentions. This may seem odd for an extrovert but I want to be no one, not seen, heard, touched, or given time and regards. Being seen or heard, for me, is being judged and pulled back. How cynical that I would rather choose to be left in the dark than shine in the light? It is because when you are seen, you have to fake smiles. Fake smiles leave nothing but hopes, assurances, expectations, and desires. Fake smiles leave nothing but heartaches. And fake smiles hurt nothing less than a loss. That is what I have learned these past few months, it is to never give a sweet smile when it is sour inside. It hurts to see a frown but it will hurt more seeing a hypocritical smirk.
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iKenSpeak by Kenneth Jesmar Pacis | Author
Hey there! I'm Kenneth Jesmar Pacis, a newbie blogger and currently a manager of one of my family's business in Ilocos Norte, former instructor in a university in Ilocos Sur and a journalist of an award-winning student publication.
I'm on my way to becoming a vlogger, kidding! Writing has always served as a creative outlet of my random thoughts. I hope you enjoy my writings because I believe that #iKenSpeak and everyone can. |